Last night I had a break down. No, not a melt down where everything gets all dramatic and weepy. I had a break down, you know...the kind where you look into the mirror and ask the person staring back at you what they really want in life? Yep, that kind. Last night I had one of the most amazing discussions with myself and God - all in the proximity of my bathroom while staring into the mirror.
I have dreams like most girls do. I want to be adored, be known, befriended, eat pretzels all day...you know, all that normal stuff. But deep down inside, there's something more. a lot more. Recently I've been wondering what my purpose in life is. What am I here for and what am I supposed to be doing? I guess it is sort of a rhetorical question since no one can really answer that except God and myself, but last night as I stared into the eyes of a girl full with hopes and dreams, I asked her what she really wanted. What was her life's goal and what was holding her back from chasing after it?
And right about then is when I had my break down.
For the first time in a while I was truly honest with myself and spilled the beans on what has been haunting me for many years. And you know what that girl in the mirror answered?
"I want to be remembered."
Last night I realized that my biggest fear in life was dying and being forgotten. Now, that may sound silly, but allow me to explain further. Last night I also realized that my life's goal is to allow God to use me to impact others. And my fear was that I'd die without ever being able to live out my goal and have no one to continue on that legacy. But let me make this clear: I'm not looking for fame, popularity, or money because I don't won't it. I don't want to be remembered for something mundane - I want to be remembered as someone who touched lives and challenged others to do the same.
It may not be much, but it's my dream.
I've found that when God speaks it is not usually in a huge firework type of way, but a silent whisper to the heart that hits you right to the core. As I looked into the mirror, I heard God asking me if one person would be enough. If I only impacted one person...would it be enough? And in all honestly, what I really felt was: "No...it wouldn't."
And right about then is when I had my second breakdown.
Crying, yes. Meltdown, no.
God brought me into the center of everything I've been trying not to face and put it to me hard. I realized that if I wanted God to use me for anything, I had to be 100% ok with the fact that I could die tomorrow, have impacted one person, and never be remembered. Because no matter what, I'd be remembered by Him. And that had to be enough.
It was one of the best and worst nights of my entire life, but I'm thankful. So so thankful. My heart beating means that I've got purpose and that He's got a plan. I'm content and I can honestly say that HE IS ENOUGH for me.
So last night, as I got ready to turn off the light in the bathroom, I smiled with tears streaming down my face and whispered to the girl in the mirror, "you'll be remembered."